Moving Sites

I am no longer going to be posting here ... I have been offered a paying gig here at my own site and would love to see the rest of you over there!

Trying This Again

I listen to a lot of podcasts at work. I wish there were more podcasts about mental health & HIV/AIDS as those are things I truly want to learn more about.

 

Okay, so now I know how to post from work, but since I have a signature on my work email I may have to look into making this go away! *growls again*

This will get easier ... I'll MAKE it easier!

Tried

I tried to remote post through my email to Blogger and it didn't work.
I want it to work! *growls*

Things I do

My depression is here ... it's been around for years ... but normally I'm able to make it go away or be "okay" enough to ignore it to be my "normal" self, but lately it's been so pervasive that I'm pushing responsibilities, and pretty soon it'll be people away.

I was supposed to volunteer tonight, but I "called in" and let G know that I wouldn't be coming in, that I just wasn't feeling so great (which isn't a lie, at all) and she knows part of what's going on (the perks of volunteering at an out reach center full of counselors) so she understood. I feel awful though.

I haven't taken the trash out in a week (although it's just me, and I don't make that much trash) and I am having company this weekend; it's cold outside.

I am having company this weekend, three of my best friends are coming for cookie-baking, but I don't want them to ... I want to mope.

I have a "family letter" to write for my Christmas cards, just letting them know that, "yes, I'm single again," because word of mouth is NOT working for my family in this case (normally gossip spreads like wildfire in my family) and that has me dreading actually doing it.

I physically hurt; my head hurts (thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster there has been only one migraine this month, though), my back hurts (it has hurt every day since getting out of inpt), my intestines hate me and my extremities are always cold. I am asking Scuba Steve (new psych doc) to have my thyroid tested because if my thyroid was out of whack it would explain most of things "wrong" with me.

I hate my job ... I have been looking at & applying to new jobs within my hospital for about a month now, but the depression has me just hating my job ... hating work ... hating having to get out of bed.

I haven't been sleeping well since switching from Zoloft to Prozac. GG (psychiatric nurse practitioner) says that Prozac is activating neurons in my brain that have been asleep for a while, but it's getting past that point to me. A friend (who I am about <--theeeeese--> close to calling a close friend, because of all she knows about my situation) has warned me about the DX of bipolar + Prozac and so I'm being hyper-aware of how my body & brain is changing; which I think has added to my anxiety ... which then adds to my anxiety ... and then it all starts over again. I've done a little more reading on cyclomythia/cyclomytic disorder and I could be dealing with that as well ... my highs are lows aren't as strong as they would be if I were bipolar, but I'm sure that Scuba Steve will have something to say about this stuff tomorrow.

Didn't help!

Making dinner didn't help.
However, going with Lexi to the mall, where I used a gift card to buy a new bra and laughed at all the weirdos freaking out about Christmas shopping, did make me feel better.
Then we got home and she left to go out drinking with her friend ... and left me home alone with her brother. I like him just fine but I'm depressed and can't exactly talk to him about things.
I think I'll do the dishes and then clean my room; depression + mania = cleaning Sarah.

Things Depression Does

Depression has made me forget my love of cooking.
I took this afternoon off to just be by myself and so I'm cooking my roommate and her brother dinner. It isn't really picking me up like I thought it would, but maybe when they taste it, I'll feel great about it?

I also applied to write at 451 Press specifically about my mental health and depression issues. I am thinking that it truly would help me to get things out of my own head and onto my generation's form of paper. We'll see what they think about the things I have to say.

The switch from Zoloft to Prozac hasn't been easy ... I've been on it for five days now and am starting to experience Brain Shivers from going cold turkey off my Zoloft. I'm doing it just like Dr. D told me to, and I specifically asked him "is this going to cause me any strange side effects?" because I've had these shivers before and I really don't like them ... at all. He told me that because I'm picking right up on teh Prozac it wouldn't be so severe; and while I've had these shivers worse, I still am not enjoying the feelings. Dr. D is out of the office until next Tuesday (and I see him on Wednesday) and so I have a message in for him, but we'll just make it through the weekend.

Five minutes at a time. That's all I have to do.

Well eff you then!

My gosh people are insane.
Let me just say that.

I may be certifiably insane, but some people are just not normal. They are rude, lying, self-centered bastardinas (female bastard). I hate those people.

Sad Realization

I realized today that I will be spending Christmas day/night alone this year. I have to work on the 26th and can't take it of (not enough coverage & I'm too low on the totem pole) and so I really can't go anywhere. When I realized this, I burst into tears and then it turned into sobbing. I cried; Kleenex died. I called my friend S and told her about my sudden depression and why it occured and she immediately invited me to her husband's family's Christmas dinner. I don't know them, but I do know S & B (and they were the ones who helped check me into the inpatient ward) so there is one option.

When I mentioned this to Bobby he told me I could come with him to his mom and/or dad's and he'd be sure to have me home before I had to work on the 26th. He offered me gas money in case that was a concern, and it made me cry even harder because he's not supposed to be nice; maybe this divorce would be easier if we hated one another. I doubt it really.

I did, though, need to cry like I did. My body was wracked with sobs and I was pretty much dripping with snot. I still have been pushing away the grief of my divorce, the stress of moving out, the fear of moving on, the decision to spend some time in the inpatient psychiatric ward and everything else that has been going on. I finally let some of it out this afternoon.

I'll at least not be alone on Christmas now.

No one even noticed!

Thanks to some heavy-duty love from S & her husband B, and from my wonderful roommate, I am home.

Long story short: I voluntarily checked myself into an inpatient psychiatric ward on Sunday morning to make a medication switch and going back to a psychiatrist starting next week.

peeing helps

I hate being single ... I'm so used to always being in a relationship and I hate being single.

Holidailies Day #2

Things To Do Today
finish cleaning off my desk
post here
make soup for dinner
grocery shop
cross-stitch 1 skein of Sara's gift

It's Saturday - why do I feel like I have to be doing something super-productive?

Tomorrow I'm having coffee with Bobby, then will be productive for a bit (maybe?) and then meeting Sara for a bit to go to Nordstrom's customer appreciation night thing. That shall be fun - Sara and I always have a lot of fun together.

2006-12-02: "Appreciating the smallest things" by The Visible Woman.
What small things do I appreciate?
www.cuteoverload.com daily
provolone cheese
a full tank of gas
sleeping in on the weekends
clean laundry
a smile from a stranger
my roommate and I laugh our asses off together

Day 1; Holidailies Begins

2006-12-01: "Introduce yourself and your website to Holidailies readers." by Jette.

Hi, I'm Sarah *waits for everyone to say 'hisarah' in monotone voices*
I'm in my mid-twenties, separated from my husband and 10-days shy of divorce proceedings being final. Absolutely amicable split-up and we're still best friends, but that's it for us. Most days I'm okay with that.
I love to read, to write, to do work puzzles and play online. I have a taste for pomegranates, candy, green vegetables and alcohol.

This is my blog ... and I didn't use to write much here ... but I'm hoping that Holidailies inspires me to do so. I plan on using the daily prompts to keep me going. We'll see if it works.

I did what?

I joined Holidalies and am going to make a goal to write once a day between 12/1 and 1/1. Dayum.

Now I need to find things to write about!

My toes are like fish sticks!

It's freezing in Portland but I am alive.
I am getting sick; again. I have a fever but am resting and taking care of myself.

California was nice. Very nice. Lots to talk about there; but no motivation to actually write about it.

I took lots of pictures but have to wait until I can get the cord or a memory card reader to post them.

Read a couple of good books while gone. Diana, the Anderson Cooper book was great. I definately recommend it, babe! I also read Wrapped in Blue by Donna Rose and that was an amazing read. She is a transvestite and the book documents her struggles in life to get where she wants to be. Good reads ladies and gent; good reads.

I go back to my hole in the wall work tomorrow. I hate my job but I kick ass at it and will stick with it until I know more. 2 jobs didn't want me, but that's okay because I have to schedule two more interviews and applied to seven more jobs last night. :) Eventually I will find the right place for me; utnil then I will just stick with what I know how to do and do the greatest job with it.

I am off work today; went to pick out my new glasses and had fun with that. I got a pair of NineWest glasses that have a magnet in them so that I can put sunglass covers on them; and they are CUTE, not the crazy 80's type.


I then had my teeth cleaned; I have pretty teeth, and then came home to rest. I spent a while at www.ThinkGeek.com and bought three small Christmas presents for friends.

Ghonnorhea for Bobby

Flesh eating bacteria for Lexi

Ann & her cube for Jenni

I have Eileen's, my mom's & sister's stuff prepped; making them some return address labels with women who looks like them on 'em. I think they're cute.

For now I must warm up though!!

high school wasn't this bad

It's days like today that make me hate MySpace. I make my own stomach churn reading it. I have issues ... and while it's nice to at least know that I have them, I should just ignore MySpace because it's just a dumb popularity contest; it's not a space to watch other people's lives ... lives I am missing out on ... lives that I was pushed out of. A while back I deleted my MySpace account so that I wouldn't do just what I'm doing now; then I missed seeing my friends on there and reading their nice comments so I made a new account ... and now I'm back to my old MySpace habits and I hate it.

I'm in SanBernadino until Tuesday morning and while I am thoroughly enjoying myself, the comfort of my own space is missed. I love my friend and her husband to death ... would do anything for them ... but it's just not "home" here. I think I definately have a vacation time "limit" that my body knows but my brain won't follow. I have trouble remembering that when I schedule vacations, too.

Anyway, I think today will be an emotional day ... and I miss Bobby.

Thank you NoirBettie

NoirBettie has inspired me. Let us begin the 100 Things About Me postages!

1. My name is Sarah Elizabeth.
2. Growing up I wanted to change my name to Julie.
3. Now I think that was a dumb idea.
4. As an adult I did almost change my name ... to Elizabeth.
5. I always wanted a name you could shorten - and Sarah --> Sar doesn't just cut it for me.
6. Right now, I don't want to change my name.
7. I was born on May 29th.
8. Growing up, I had myself convinced that everything is closed on my birthday because of ME!
9. My parents let me believe that.
10. I never had to go to school on my birthday and now I don't have to work on my birthday.
11. This is still a cool fact to me.
12. My parents and I are not close.
13. I love them, but I don't particularly like them very much.
14. I have a younger sister; 4-years-younger, and I love her, but I don't like her.
15. Some days I wish we were close ... like she were my best friend ... but most days I don't (and don't care).
16. I am the only person in my immediate family who has never been arrested and to jail.
17. Because of #16 I frequently refer to myself as the WHITE sheep of the family.
18. I graduated from Oregon State University in 2004 with a BA in German.
19. I haven't used my degree in about a month ... it's been that long since I read or wrote anything in German.
20. I started out as a pre-pharmacy major and hated the program so I picked up my minor as my major.
21. I love German and don't regret getting a degree in something pretty much useless.
22. I am going to graduate school in public health though.
23. I want to do international HIV/AIDS education & prevention.
24. My first boyfriend is gay and HIV+; this breaks my heart.
25. My last boyfriend and I are divorced now.
26. In less than 30 days it could be final; and the courts recognize me as the petitioner.
27. I don't care; I know he is the true petitioner of our divorce.
28. I love the boy, but he has a lot of growing up to do and I am not in love with him.
29. I live with the coolest roommate I've ever had; Lexi.
30. She and I talk all the time, about everything.
31. We can't do homework in the same room together because we just talk and talk and talk through it.
32. She likes a drink now & then and so do I, so I no longer feel "guilty" if I have a drink with my dinner.
33. I have a friend now as well as a roommate; this warms my heart.
34. Although I had myself convinced I wasn't; I am a true romantic.
35. I want flowers, candles, sweetness and cuddling.
36. But when I want my space, I want that respected too.
37. If I ever remarry, the man will do everything; he will know what kind of ring I want, he will understand that I want a down-on-one-knee kind of thing, and he will be all mushy about it.
38. #37 will be even better if he surprises me when he does it.
39. I won't marry him until we can afford to pay for our own wedding; no one else will have "input" on our wedding.
40. It scares me to write this, but I think I'm almost ready to date.
41. I am incrediby picky though ... and I've never really dated I think I know what I want in a guy.
42. THINK is the operative word in #40.
43. If I ever have a baby girl, her name will be Helena (he-LAY-na) after my hero; Gramma K ... whose name is Helen.
44. If I had a baby boy, his name, either first or middle would be Jakob, after my Grampa K.
45. I love my mom's parents more than I love any other adult in this world.
46. Gramma K is really sick (late stage emphysema, colo-rectal cancer and the early stages of dementia) and it breaks my heart to see her like this. I will be a wreck when she dies; but I have been preparing myself for it for years already.
47. I am looking for a new job within the hospital I work for.
48. My manager hates me, I don't like her, and it's the first time in my life I've ever not gotten along with a boss.
49. I had two interviews yesterday and both went well. I'd love either job, but one more than the other. I have another interview next week.
50. I like college football a lot; especially the PAC 10 games.

Look - I can post!!

I found the neatest link this morning: Multiply large numbers only with LINES!

My interviews went REMARKABLY well and I'll know by WEDNESDAY of next week. I could give 2-weeks-notice in less than a week. *pees a little bit*

*goes back to surfing and thinks I'll update later*

Oh, and I like this picture:

Apolgies

I haven't posted in a long time.
A LONG time.
Sorry.
Lots and lots has been going on in my life and I'm (once again) having to stand up for myself and scream to be heard. At least someone is listening.

I moved out of the house I used to live in ... that roommate got all weird on me ... so now I live with another girl my age and I love it. We hang out all the time and were fast friends in it all.

I filed divorce papers last week ... the final papers went to the courthouse yesterday ... they are out of my hands now. I had to file them because he was SO slow in taking care of them. It is done now though ... I'll just have to wait to hear back from the judge.

What else? Uhm, I'm looking for a new job. My current boss is treating me like junk so I'm moving on. I have two interviews within my hospital scheduled and am already looking forward to them. : )

I don't know what will make me write more here. I have a LiveJournal and write there ... but I can't seem to just copy & paste things from there to here. Maybe I'll move the bookmark to the LJ bookmark and that will help.

I'm almost done with my statistics course. It's good. I'm glad I took it and am glad that it's almost done. I have grad school applications (for a Master's in Public Health) due in February and am working on those. School is fun stuff. : )

Twice in one day?

So, I lost almost 20 pounds right after Bobby dropped the bomb on our marriage - and from what I can tell about my body - not by numbers on the scale - I've gained most of it, if not all of it, back. I didn't want to gain it back ... but I'm seeing myself turn to food for comfort. I don't want to do that, and so as of October 1st, food is not going to be a comfort tool for me. I am going to lose the weight again, and do it healthfully and like a normal person.

There are some things that throw wrenches in this plan though. I no longer have a gym membership (much too poor now) and since I'm so broke, food choices & grocery shopping has to be really planned & calculated. I've never had to do that stuff before - and am nervous about it. Any hints? Tips? Tricks? HELP! For those who don't know, I don't eat red meat (at home) and don't like fish much. I like a lot of vegetables, but not a lot of fruit, but know that I need to really really REALLY incorporate both into a diet for myself.

So, without the gym membership, I've become lazy. I walk about a mile a day to the bus, to work, to the bus and to home, but that's not going to be enough. I can continue to just wander around my neighborhood, but when the weather gets nasty, am I stuck inside? I think I get FitTV in all my millions of channels so I'll have to check that out, too. Maybe that will help.

My skin has been trying to eat my face from the inside out and I hate it. It makes me feel absolutely ugly and so I've been doing better about remembering to wash my face before I go to bed and remembering to keep my hands OFF my face. I am seeing my doctor on 10/3 and so I'll probably voice this face concern with her to see if she knows of anything I can eat, or not eat, to help.

I'm nervous, but now that I'm single ... and eventually DO want to date again ... I need to look and feel my best to do so. I'm done with this.

What's that sonny? I can't hear you!

I'm going to be one of those 80 year old grammas who wears here 3-inch thick tri-focals AND uses a magnifying class to read her books.

I had my annual eye/contact exam this aternoon and my eyes, have, once again, gotten worse. I first started wearing glasses as a freshman in college. The next year I switched to contacts because I was wearing my glasses more and more ... and now I wear my contacts 12 hours a day. Last year my eyes had deteriorated (my left eye moreso than my right) and this year was no different. When I got home I put on my new contact lenses to see if they work - and DAAAAAAAYUM! I can see again! My TV is CLEAR again! My laptop screen is a bit blurry because my eyes haven't adjusted to the new strength of these eyes, but Dr. K said that it would get better. :) Anyway - I can see again - it's a miracle!*

I've been having good & bad days lately - both physical health-wise and mental/emotional health-wise. I'm still concentrating on five minutes at a time and still surviving so that's good. I'm also relatively happy in it all, too. I had to tell Dr. K today that Bobby and I were divorcing (she knows him because he volunteered & job-shadowed her at one point) and she felt worse hearing it than I did telling her. I guess that is a good sign though.

I can do this.
I will do this.
I am doing this.

* anyone who can tell me which movie that line is from, you get 47.5 imaginary points