Things I do

My depression is here ... it's been around for years ... but normally I'm able to make it go away or be "okay" enough to ignore it to be my "normal" self, but lately it's been so pervasive that I'm pushing responsibilities, and pretty soon it'll be people away.

I was supposed to volunteer tonight, but I "called in" and let G know that I wouldn't be coming in, that I just wasn't feeling so great (which isn't a lie, at all) and she knows part of what's going on (the perks of volunteering at an out reach center full of counselors) so she understood. I feel awful though.

I haven't taken the trash out in a week (although it's just me, and I don't make that much trash) and I am having company this weekend; it's cold outside.

I am having company this weekend, three of my best friends are coming for cookie-baking, but I don't want them to ... I want to mope.

I have a "family letter" to write for my Christmas cards, just letting them know that, "yes, I'm single again," because word of mouth is NOT working for my family in this case (normally gossip spreads like wildfire in my family) and that has me dreading actually doing it.

I physically hurt; my head hurts (thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster there has been only one migraine this month, though), my back hurts (it has hurt every day since getting out of inpt), my intestines hate me and my extremities are always cold. I am asking Scuba Steve (new psych doc) to have my thyroid tested because if my thyroid was out of whack it would explain most of things "wrong" with me.

I hate my job ... I have been looking at & applying to new jobs within my hospital for about a month now, but the depression has me just hating my job ... hating work ... hating having to get out of bed.

I haven't been sleeping well since switching from Zoloft to Prozac. GG (psychiatric nurse practitioner) says that Prozac is activating neurons in my brain that have been asleep for a while, but it's getting past that point to me. A friend (who I am about <--theeeeese--> close to calling a close friend, because of all she knows about my situation) has warned me about the DX of bipolar + Prozac and so I'm being hyper-aware of how my body & brain is changing; which I think has added to my anxiety ... which then adds to my anxiety ... and then it all starts over again. I've done a little more reading on cyclomythia/cyclomytic disorder and I could be dealing with that as well ... my highs are lows aren't as strong as they would be if I were bipolar, but I'm sure that Scuba Steve will have something to say about this stuff tomorrow.