Sad Realization

I realized today that I will be spending Christmas day/night alone this year. I have to work on the 26th and can't take it of (not enough coverage & I'm too low on the totem pole) and so I really can't go anywhere. When I realized this, I burst into tears and then it turned into sobbing. I cried; Kleenex died. I called my friend S and told her about my sudden depression and why it occured and she immediately invited me to her husband's family's Christmas dinner. I don't know them, but I do know S & B (and they were the ones who helped check me into the inpatient ward) so there is one option.

When I mentioned this to Bobby he told me I could come with him to his mom and/or dad's and he'd be sure to have me home before I had to work on the 26th. He offered me gas money in case that was a concern, and it made me cry even harder because he's not supposed to be nice; maybe this divorce would be easier if we hated one another. I doubt it really.

I did, though, need to cry like I did. My body was wracked with sobs and I was pretty much dripping with snot. I still have been pushing away the grief of my divorce, the stress of moving out, the fear of moving on, the decision to spend some time in the inpatient psychiatric ward and everything else that has been going on. I finally let some of it out this afternoon.

I'll at least not be alone on Christmas now.